Friday, August 29

Thursday, August 21
The other day I watched as a high profile dog trainer jammed matches up a dog's ass to get them to poop on command. The following is the results of my first few attempts at getting my stubborn dog to do the same thing:

She does not care.

After reading the two links sent to me (I'm so easy to push over the edge when it comes to sticking things up my dog's ass I'll use two forwarded Googled links as justification) I chose to jam a couple of matches up her stinkhole last night.

She looked at me. Then proceeded to wait.

After a minute I pulled out the matches, tossed them aside. She waited some more.

And waited.

And did not poop.

I thought, "this can't be like resetting the PMU on a Mac, let's try it again just to be sure." Again went in the matches. Nothing. Pulled them out, took her for a walk. She pooped after 45 minutes. The little fucker.

We took her bones away today since we thought they might be constipating her. We came home to find she had chewed up the box of matches and coffee filters purchased the night before. Interesting, both were going to be used to deal with murky brownness. Later in the evening she became a little miasma cloud of farts, which I took as a good sign of productive pooping.

Around 10:45 this evening I took the book of matches with me and took the dog out. Outside, I pulled out a few matches, wet the bottoms with spit, jammed them (non-sulfur end) up her ass. Nothing happened. But this time I remembered the advice found on the web (aside from how to get blood stains out of wheelchair padding and how to stop a Mack truck going 75 with no emergency brakes) which said that the purpose of the matches (or q-tip if preferred) was to stimulate the poop chute and get the dog going.

So I left 'em in and took her for a stroll.


We walked. With a couple of matches sticking out her rear end, she did not seem to mind them being there until a block later when she sat down on the ground and dragged her ass along the sidewalk. Now, here is where the canny person is thinking "were they strike anywhere matches?" No. My dog did not streak yellow flame out her pink puckerer. It would have been a hilarious site, but it was not to be. No hot rod doggie here. The matches were dragged out and left on the ground.

She finally dropped her brown troops off at the target site 45 minutes later.

I'll do it again tomorrow, maybe use a Q-tip or something. "Remember, never use the Q-tip in the ass canal itself - always *around* the hole."

Time to watch the best of Chasey Lane.

Happy turd burgling.

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